For Sure

I went to the doctor yesterday to confirm my home test results. Yup. I'm a 38-year old, Advanced Maternal Age prego. Oh...MY.

I will now recount the conversation my doctor and I had at my last annual check-up this winter. (My ob has the greatest sense of humor. I really do have a great rapport with her.)

Doc, "Condomns and natural family planning are working for you? Are you sure you don't want an IUD?"

Me, "Yes, it seems to work for us. He is supposed to get a vasectomy, it just hasn't happened yet."

Doc, "Well, and what's the worst that can happen?????"

Me, "Um...I get pregnant...and then my husband has a heart attack?"

Doc, "Right, but more business for ME!"


So! She walks into the exam room yesterday and immediately says, "Oh dear! I feel I cursed you!" Me, "Yup, my thoughts exactly! YOU JINXED ME!"

She really helped me feel at ease about the whole thing. "Get that worried look off your face. Everything will be just fine!"

There has been just SO MUCH going through my head the last few days. Worry, worry, worry. I didn't even tell DH about the situation just in case I was wrong (maybe I'm pre-menopausal!), and I didn't want to mess with his head (or give him a heart attack), and keeping something like this to myself was HARD and very, very stressful. I waited until after our son's successful tournament game to drop the bomb. I think he knew the second I asked him to pause the DVR because I needed to TALK to him.

Neither one of us can figure out how or when this happened. We've been using protection RELIGIOUSLY, and DH pointed out that we've not been quite as "active" this last month since his brain's been on baseball. It's just simply unbelievable that this happened. DH, "So what do we do???" *sigh* We just DEAL with it.

So, I'm making some early plans here. I'm going to work on getting the computer room cleaned out to eventually set it up as a nursery. It's a small room, so I'm thinking of putting a twin bed in there for me (I learned with baby #3 that we ALL sleep better if baby and I sleep together). Maybe we have enough paint left over from last summer to freshen it up. I am trying very hard not to think much past that--until maybe September, and I'm farther along.

I slept better last night than I have in days--probably because I finally told DH and got this all off my chest. I'm still tired, though. And every ache and pain and twinge is making me nervous. We've known (and TEASED) so many folks who have had babies recently at around this age. I keep trying to remind myself that they've all turned out fine, so chances are, baby and I will be OK, too. *crossing fingers and knocking on wood* I am continuously hungry and a bit naseous--eating several small snacks (er...ALL DAY) is the key to both.

I now have an appointment to get a gestational age ultrasound and have my nurse talk (both on Aug 2), and my next ob appointment (Aug 15). I already bought pre-natal vitamins. I got the ones with iron in them since I have a tendency to get anemic while pregnant. Doc, "Just be careful of constipation." Oh...goodie. Good thing we always have apples in the house....

Dramatic Irony

I was just discussing with my friend a couple of weeks back how DH and I have still not taken permanent steps towards birth control. It was a slightly amusing conversation. Lately I have accepted the fact that we are DONE. We are poor (oh, so poor!). We are old. We are tired. But I was mostly satisfied with our use of natural family planning. We have been so very, very careful, and I've been proud of our success--it's been four years!

I admit, that first couple of years I got off the pill, I wouldn't have minded an "oops." I still was young and felt well up to the task of going through another pregnancy and raising another baby. But then the years went by, and we both got older, and my babies stopped being babies, and I was quite satisfied with being DONE. A little tweak every now and then of sadness over the "could have beens" and the "empty promise" of the fourth child I had always wanted. But then when I had a couple of "scares" of late periods or strange symptoms or whatever, I realized that I maybe did NOT want an "oops," and I certainly did not want to tell DH if I ended up with a + on a stick. So, yes, I was about 95% happy with my lot, with my three gorgeous kids.

But now, maybe two years after the last big scare, my period is late.

I have managed to not panic too much. I have managed to keep my cool. I mean, I am not exactly sure how many days late I am since I forgot to mark my last period down. But remembering it was pretty much when expected (maybe a day early?), I made a guess, marked it down, and I've been counting and re-counting days allllll week.

I am marking June 13 as the LMP. That means that as of today, I'm 6 days late. Because I didn't want to make any test purchases with children present--and very aware, READING chilren at that--I went to the store today (Sunday). And then I came home and drank a ton of coffee (half caf!). And then I took the test. And then I saw a very, very faint positive line come up IMMEDIATELY.

NOW is the time to panic, right?